This is the story of my life.
I was a kid then happy at home. Things were going well but then one day i was sent away to school. Then i didn't know why i was being sent to school but i didn't wannabe there. No crying or pleading would do anything, i was doomed.
School never was a fun place to be. I remember being bullied every other day. I was out of my element. My sorrow started ever since the very first day i was forced to do something i didn't want to.
if i were my dad I would have had a nice talk with me making me understand why school was necessary. Maybe id would have sounded that it would be fun. i would have taken me to the school before the start of the session and would have introduced a few teachers and would have said that they will take care of you. maybe i would have found a few kids that would be in the same class and introduced them to me so that there can be something to look forward to in the first day at school.
none of that happened though. my first day was a nightmare. i was left at the gate by the bus driver. i didn't know what to do or where to go. i just stood there by the gate looking at the huge building. the watchman shoo'd me in and i went and sat beneath a tree where no one could see me. i sat there and sobbed for being left alone.
I feared someone would find me and so it came true. A woman in blue uniform was sweeping the dried leaves when she saw me and started yelling at me. I knew i wasn't supposed to be there but neither did i know where to go.
I kept wondering around. Passed through the grey alleys of the old school which seemed greyer still in the gloomy fog of winter. as i passed i could see classrooms packed with kids most of them larger then me. so i wondered finding some of the same size. every other teacher would give me a cold stare and i would just keep walking looking at the cemented floor keen on not being stopped.
I then found a kid about the same size as me standing in the corridor. It was great joy seeing someone of the same size. no matter how much sorrow such moments always lit up my face and only one thing occupied my mind, play. It was unwritten agreement among kids and everyone understood it.
There were no formalities, handshakes or opening lines, everyone were friends and all it took to confirm that was a smile. instantly wed be running around, playing with each other.
But not with this kid, he just stared; no smile. it felt bad, i couldn't understand why he doesn't wanna play.
so i passed by him and saw a a whole bunch of kids same as me and i just walked into that room without thinking anything. just then a lady in the room started yelling at me. words were incomprehensible by then but i could fairly figure out things by simple expressions and the expression she was giving me was not a good one.
i had no idea why big people behaved so strange. she kept yelling at me until i broke once again. years later a similar incident taught me that i was late, the reason i was being yelled at. but how would i know?
rest of the day wasn't good. we couldn't play and so i was sad.
Years later things had changed. Kids would only play in their groups, they had stopped smiling. they grew larger and different but i was still the same. confused.
friends were dwindling. I was beginning to be left alone. Once in a while someone would come talk to me or play with me but soon leave to hang out with their group. I could never figure out what it took to be in one.
With time i started blaming myself for all the wrongs that kept happening to me.
The rest of my life has been just an extension of those first few years.
I retreated into myself as the world alienated from me. I talked less, remained sad, disappointed and depressed. when i found no one to blame i blamed it one me. i hated being me.
I dunno why but all i ever did was wrong.
23 years have passed but i remain depressed. why? can no one ever accept me?
I cry as my concern is mine alone. I hope that kid wasn't ever born! Just not the world for him.
I was a kid then happy at home. Things were going well but then one day i was sent away to school. Then i didn't know why i was being sent to school but i didn't wannabe there. No crying or pleading would do anything, i was doomed.
School never was a fun place to be. I remember being bullied every other day. I was out of my element. My sorrow started ever since the very first day i was forced to do something i didn't want to.
if i were my dad I would have had a nice talk with me making me understand why school was necessary. Maybe id would have sounded that it would be fun. i would have taken me to the school before the start of the session and would have introduced a few teachers and would have said that they will take care of you. maybe i would have found a few kids that would be in the same class and introduced them to me so that there can be something to look forward to in the first day at school.
none of that happened though. my first day was a nightmare. i was left at the gate by the bus driver. i didn't know what to do or where to go. i just stood there by the gate looking at the huge building. the watchman shoo'd me in and i went and sat beneath a tree where no one could see me. i sat there and sobbed for being left alone.
I feared someone would find me and so it came true. A woman in blue uniform was sweeping the dried leaves when she saw me and started yelling at me. I knew i wasn't supposed to be there but neither did i know where to go.
I kept wondering around. Passed through the grey alleys of the old school which seemed greyer still in the gloomy fog of winter. as i passed i could see classrooms packed with kids most of them larger then me. so i wondered finding some of the same size. every other teacher would give me a cold stare and i would just keep walking looking at the cemented floor keen on not being stopped.
I then found a kid about the same size as me standing in the corridor. It was great joy seeing someone of the same size. no matter how much sorrow such moments always lit up my face and only one thing occupied my mind, play. It was unwritten agreement among kids and everyone understood it.
There were no formalities, handshakes or opening lines, everyone were friends and all it took to confirm that was a smile. instantly wed be running around, playing with each other.
But not with this kid, he just stared; no smile. it felt bad, i couldn't understand why he doesn't wanna play.
so i passed by him and saw a a whole bunch of kids same as me and i just walked into that room without thinking anything. just then a lady in the room started yelling at me. words were incomprehensible by then but i could fairly figure out things by simple expressions and the expression she was giving me was not a good one.
i had no idea why big people behaved so strange. she kept yelling at me until i broke once again. years later a similar incident taught me that i was late, the reason i was being yelled at. but how would i know?
rest of the day wasn't good. we couldn't play and so i was sad.
Years later things had changed. Kids would only play in their groups, they had stopped smiling. they grew larger and different but i was still the same. confused.
friends were dwindling. I was beginning to be left alone. Once in a while someone would come talk to me or play with me but soon leave to hang out with their group. I could never figure out what it took to be in one.
With time i started blaming myself for all the wrongs that kept happening to me.
The rest of my life has been just an extension of those first few years.
I retreated into myself as the world alienated from me. I talked less, remained sad, disappointed and depressed. when i found no one to blame i blamed it one me. i hated being me.
I dunno why but all i ever did was wrong.
23 years have passed but i remain depressed. why? can no one ever accept me?
I cry as my concern is mine alone. I hope that kid wasn't ever born! Just not the world for him.
